Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths"
(Proverbs 3:5-6)

"TRUST"

Trust. I have always had a problem with this one. I’m sure we all have at one time or another. Due to life experiences, my ability to trust was pretty much shattered (or at least I thought it was). Whether it be from self doubt to low self esteem, bad relationships to suspicion, I blamed them all on my lack of ability to trust. I had a real problem trusting people and figured everyone out for something. It wasn’t until recently I discovered that not only did I have a problem trusting others, but I had a problem trusting God as well.

I know that sounds harsh, but for those of you who know me, you know that I am a worry wart. Never really thought of it as a problem. It was just "who I was". If my friend was hurting.... I worried. If my bills were late.....I worried. Despite the fact that I knew it is a sin to worry.... I would still worry. Then I would actually worry about what God would think about me worrying and try to convince my self that it wasn’t actually "worry", per se, but more like I was really, really, really, really concerned....Yeah I know. God didn’t buy it either.

I have always had a relationship with God. Some times stronger than others. I am by far NOT perfect...I have turned my back on God so many times when I thought I knew it all. And with a gentle nudge God would always find a way to remind me that I didn’t know as much as I thought I did, . However, through all the struggles in my life, I could always lean on God to give me strength to help me get through it and he always kept his promise to me. All the while, worry was still a big part of my struggle.

Through every trial in my life, God was always there. No matter what we were going through at the time. House fire, lost parents, lost friends, sickness, personal problems, financial needs.. I could feel his presence when I would reach out to him. I cant begin to count the times he has blessed us as a family even the when I knew we/I didn’t deserve it. One thing I know for a fact I have always taken forgranted was the fact that my husband had been blessed with a amazing job that paid us what we needed to survive. More like what we thought we needed to survive. Even when times were tight, we always pulled through and found a way to make ends meet. I had a love/hate relationship with this job. Even though the benefits, the pay, the security was a blessing. The selfish wife in me longed for more time with him. Less hours away from home. I hated the fact that he was gone before I woke up, and asleep before I got home. I missed my husband and sometimes I even prayed that God would find a way for us to have more time together as a family. Once again, God kept his promise...however this time, it was by my husband loosing his job. At that moment I realized that I was not depending on God to provide for my family. I was depending on our income.


With the job loss, you forget all the benefits of having a job. The insurance, the vacation time, the flexible hours.. all gone in a blink of a eye. Your first thought is the question God. Especially in this economy, what have we done so terrible that would make God allow this to happen to us. We have a mortgage, kids, bills due.... Then the worrying began. I was so focused on the "what are we going to do" instead of the "What is God’s plan for us???" I sat down and began to pray. First I prayed for peace. Peace to be able to handle this. Assurance that we are going to be okay. I opened my bible and began reading . The first passage I turned to was "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths"(Proverbs 3:5-6). Wow! That got my attention. The more I read, the words just started pouring off the pages and touching me in a way that they had never done before. Before I knew it, I had read 4 chapters and each chapter spoke to me in magnitude. I knew what I had to do.


I had to "GIVE IT TO GOD", (like I really had a handle on it in the first place). And I’m not talking about.. A little bit, I’m talking about total control. Do you know how hard that is? Total control means to trust God completely, praying and watching him work out ALL the details in your life. There are times I feel like screaming "Are you kidding me?" ............"Right now , you want me to learn this lesson???" Plus I had the anger and determination to protect my man by torturing and tearing out the eyes out of the people who did this. Yeah, I admit. I thought that.. :) I like to think that God knew how I was going to react.. And loves me all the same....

I thought I had been through the tough times, but learning to give God totally control is a feeling like no other. It is the true test of faith. Being able to step outside of your comfort zone and walk in total belief that God has brought you to this place in your life BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU. Because he wants to see you grow in faith. This IS his will for your life. That’s powerful stuff right there. Not only powerful, but very humbling.

It is very easy to get comfortable in your blessings. So much so that you stop thinking of them as blessings, but rather just something that you earned. Let me assure you. Everything you have is a blessing... Even the stuff you dont think are blessings are blessings. One lesson I realized was what a true gift it is to have a job. Even one that you don’t like so much. I look back at all the Mondays I mumbled and grumbled and drug my self into work, and wish I could take them all back. Welll. Most Mondays. :)

I guess what inspired me the most to write this is the fact that when I look back in time at what I thought were some of the biggest struggles in my life, where I held on to doubt and worry the most, and realized those are the times where I see the evidence of God’s hand upon my life. I can point out the exact moments where he directed "my" decisions and my walk with Him, from the biggest challenges to the most intimate moments of my day. In fact, he did that without me even realizing it. This was a tough blow for us, but I can already see Gods hand moving across us. We will be fine. We will become stronger. And even though I still have the instinct to try to understand and make sense of everything that happens to me and my family, it’s great to know I don’t have to understand everything. Isaiah 55:8-9 says, For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts".

So, to all the worry warts like me who may be reading this, my humble advise to you is this:

TRUST IN THE LORD WITH ALL YOUR HEART. Even when things are out of control. They may not make sense to you, but God has a plan.



LEAN NOT ON YOUR OWN UNDERSTANDING. "Let us hold fast the profession of our faith without wavering; (for he is faithful that promised) —Hebrews 10:23

IN ALL YOUR WAYS ACKNOWLEDGE HIM.-- God is faithful. Be faithful back.

HE WILL DIRECT YOUR PATHS --God totally directs our paths. As much as we fight it. He knows the directions he wants us to go. If we trust Him we can grow in faith...

I’m still learning this valuable lesson, but I know in my heart that everything is going to be just fine as long as I hold on to the things I can depend on. MY FAMILY, MY TRUST AND MY FAITH.
.

Bring it "38".. I'm ready for ya.

It's August, It's August, My birthday month is August. :) So glad its my b-day month... Can you tell. I must admit.... The older I get, the less excited I seem to be about my birthday. I no longer put a ad in the newspaper or send out reminder cards... I just let it happen. I guess thats how it goes as you get older, but with that being said... I'm still excited. I love my birthday. I love the attention it brings... Guess that means Im a glory hog... well.. perhaps.. but I guess I could always be worse..lol

We went to Memphis this past weekend. So much fun. I really do love going places... Especially with the kids. They get such a rush out of staying in a hotel. lol.. its fun to watch. Plus they are getting so big so dang fast. It seems as if Maddie aged 3 years this summer. I just cant believe it when I look at her. I wonder when it happened.

Other than that.. school started, started a new diet.. trying to keep on trucking on. Im feeling a little better about stuff, life is good.

Dad

Oh how I wish my dad was here. There has been atleast 5 times over the course of this weekend that I have wanted to just get in my car and drive over there. He always knew the exact thing to say to me, sometimes without even having to say a word. I know I talk about my dad a lot. And trust, me. I miss my mom too. But the conversations I remember most about real life have been with Dad. He was there when I found the man I wanted to marry and I went to him for his approval. He walked me down the isle holding my hand soo tightly that my knuckles were white. He was the first person I called when I found out I was pregnant after being told my whole life I would never have children. He was the first person I called the worst night of my life when we pulled up to find our home and everything in it burned to the ground and was the only one able to make me feel at ease. He was my bestest friend and sometimes when things are going on with me and I get that feeling of wanting to run.. he was always the one that kept me grounded. I needed him this weekend.. and I have missed him so much that at times I find it hard for me to breathe. After his death I felt his strength. I have never felt that before and it was almost like I knew what he would do. What he would say. I feel that strength slipping away and I need it back.
I dont know why this is bothering me so. I guess it is just one of them days.

Bubble Bath Moments

Wow. What a amazing night. It's still overwhelming to me how God continues to take me out of my comfort zone and "nudge" me to do things I never drempt I would do. Tonight was the book signing for Bubble Bath Moments. In my mind I backed out of going atleast 5 times. LOL. I dont know what it is about me that is unable to take credit for something I have done, or swallow a compliment. I trembled as I walked through the doors only to find myself surrounded by wonderful ladies who made me feel at ease and part of a family. As I stood there, unsure of WHO would want MY autograph, I had the opportunity to meet wonderful REAL women who were touched by the stories written in this book. At that moment I was reminded that THAT is what is was all about. Not me, not being nervous... but having the opportunity to be a part of something encouraging. Be able to watch God touch the lives of others through what we had written. Women who felt just like us and lived each and every word of our testimony. Yes, even what I had written bursting with my all of my insecurites. God always has a way of putting us where he feels we need to be, whether we like it or not. It was truly a blessing and I'm so glad to be a part of it.

Hello June. Nice to see you.

June 1. (Inhale, Exhale). Finally!!!!!!!!! If I wasn't so dang sick, I think I would be more excited..lol.. Nah, not that May is all that bad I suppose.. but there are so many memories that go along with May that I just rather not deal with. Along with the stresses of getting out of school, getting ready for dance recitals... I just wish sometimes we can skip right along to November and I can surround myself with all things good like turkey and dressing..Okay.. Okay.. Enough crazy talk.

Lets see. What has been going on...
Kids are doing good. Haley got a promotion with her job. We are very proud of her. Looks like she will not be going back to college again this semester.. but we are leaving that up to her to make her own decisions. She hasn't dissapointed us yet.. She is doing good working full time, paying her bills.. I can see her trying to leave the nest in the future, which kinda makes me sad to think about it. But .. Oh do I soo remember that age. 20 years old, wanting to be on your own, not having to answer to anyone.. lol. If I had only known then what I know now.

Morgan is out for the summer and is already bored to death. She didn't want to baby sit for me this summer even tho' I offered to pay her big bucks...lol.. But I suppose I wouldn't want to baby sit my sister and brother either. All day today I have heard, how bored she is, bored to death, its boring...lol. Live it up dear Morgan, live it up. You will miss these days.

Maddie and Reese started their new babysitter today. Gasp. If you know me, then you know how totally anal and obssesive I am when it comes to my kids. Even when they stay with Jennifer, whom I trust with my life, I call atleast a million times. I still dont know how I was able to drop them off without crying..lol Ashlyn, the babysitter, is a friend of a co-worker and I know she will take care of them and not make fun of me for calling.. lol.. at least to my face.

As for me, Im still trucking along. I went to church by myself this Sunday. It was nice yet, lonely. Why is it no-one comes to sit next to you on the pew if you are by yourself..?? LOL... I felt a little odd, but who cares. Anyway, It was a nice message about not worrying about what other people think and he brought up the question, "what do you reflect". It steps on your toes a little bit if you think about it. I still struggle day to day with looking over my shoulder and I pray that God will help me with this. I think I reflect good. I try to.. But I know that there are so many things in my life that I could improve on. Im trying. Guess thats a good start.

May

Fear not, for I am with you; Be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, Yes, I will help you, I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.’ (Isaiah 41:10)

Dad:
I miss your smile
I miss your voice
I think I miss your hugs the most
My bestest friend
My helping hand
More than a dad
My biggest fan
Its beentwo years without you here
With Gods support I still see clear
I feel your presence when I feel alone
As long as my heart beats you'll never be gone


For those who know me, know that this is the month I lost my dad. God has once again given me the strength to get through it. I always like to look back at stuff I had written around the time things happen to see if I still feel the same. I found this on myspace.

This is what I wrote just a few days after my dad passed away:

Testimony? Sure everyone has them. Not always have I been proud of them, but over the past few weeks in my life, I know that there is no way I would have been able to get through it without God in my life. I have a unexplainable strength flowing through me. Before I would turn to everyone in my life to help me get past the hurt, anger and the devastation I am feeling, but this time I turned to God and I can feel his presence all around me. I never knew that feeling before. When I found out about Dad I said a lot of things that I have since then dealt with. But that is no body's business but mine and his. God knew how I was going to react and I have asked forgiveness for my anger. Now I go day to day knowing exactly where my parents are and nothing makes me feel safer. Im still hurt. I still dont understand why things happen the way they do, but I dont have to explain my actions to anyone but God. MY DAD WOULD NOT HAVE WANTED ME TO STOP LIVING. He was the hardest working, strongest, proudest, most giving, forgiving, understanding, gentle and wonderful man I have ever known and I am going to spend the rest of my life trying to fill at least one of his shoes. He was my confidant. My Rock. I dont know how to be anything but his daughter. Everything I do is to make him proud of the person I am. The mother I have become. The wife I strive to be. One thing I have to realize is that Im not going to always be the person everyone expects me to be. I cant take care of everything, but God can. Now it is time for me to step up start being the person God wants me to be. The Christian he wants me to become. The child of him that I know that I am. My heart is broken and day by day God is mending it.

What is My testimony?
1. Friend Follower ..................Now a God Chaser.
2. Once Meek............................Now Stronger than I could ever imagine
3. Pew Warmer with good intentions..............."up off dead center" :)
4. Overwhelmed with Anger.............Overwhelmed with God's love.
5. Left without a Mother and Father.............Child of God

Words can not express how blessed I am to have such caring and giving friends and family. Each one of you has helped me more than you realize. I just want to say Thanks. You know who you are. Be assured that I felt every prayer and I thank you.

Sometimes it just takes remembering how you felt to put that fire in you.

Already Slacking

Here I go, already slacking in my blog writing..
Huff. I still haven't completely weened myself off facebook. Its like trying to diet will working in a donut shop. Pointless. But I have made a significant decrease in status updates. I guess eventually I will get there..lol
Lets see, what's been going on in my slacking days.

Easter:
Me and the kids went to the Easter Egg drop and had some fun. It was not as big as I expected, but the kids didn't mind one bit. Maddie had a chance to perform with the cheer team and then we just hung out and played. Unfortunatley, our egg did not drop into the swimming pool for us to win some money.. but you would not have believed all the eggs...lol. There was no chance that any of my three would have made it. All in all it was a very good day.

Maddie:
We went to a cheer competition for Maddie in Panama.. Can you say... UH MAZING.. Boy she has really come a long way and Im so proud of her. She felt like such a big girl being on top of the build.. and I must admit.. I felt pretty darn good myself knowing she is my daughter. The entire family went, including Chad. We had a great time...I cant wait for another family vacation.

Me:
Still a work in progess, but I'm getting there. Some days I feel encourged...some days I dont.
Facebook is like crack. lol